A People Pleaser's Guide to Boundary Setting

If you're anything like my clients (and maybe even me at times...), you're probably used to wearing a million hats. Between work, relationships, social events, family commitments, and more, the list never ends! And somewhere amidst all that, you're supposed to find time for yourself, right? But when was the last time you said "no" to something and didn't feel like you were the worst person in the world? If you're someone who feels guilty for setting boundaries (or maybe you've never even tried -- no judgment!), you're definitely not alone.

In fact, this struggle is something many women face -- especially in a city like Chicago, where there's always a new restaurant to try, a rooftop bar to check out, or a brunch spot with bottomless mimosas screaming your name. It's easy to get swept up in the hustle and bustle, trying to say "yes" to every invitation and experience. But when you're constantly saying "yes" to everything, it's hard to find time for you. The good news is, learning to set healthy boundaries is totally possible -- and it's a lot more empowering than it may seem.

Why Boundaries Are Hard

So why is setting boundaries so hard, anyway? We love people and want to be there for them --but when you're constantly accommodating others, it's easy to lose track of your own needs. Society often encourages women to ignore their own needs and put others first, reinforcing the idea that being selfless is the key to being valued. But here's the truth: you are allowed to put yourself first, and setting boundaries is one of the best ways to take care of yourself.

How to Set Boundaries Without (Or At Least Less) Guilt

Here's a way to look at boundary-setting that helps you stop feeling guilty and start feeling empowered. The key is to accept that these uncomfortable feelings -- like guilt or anxiety -- are totally normal. Yes, it can feel awkward to say "no" or to ask for space, but that discomfort doesn't have to control your actions. It's okay to feel uneasy, but it's also important to honor your needs. You're allowed to say "no" when something doesn't align with your well-being.

1. Embrace Your Emotions Without Letting Them Run the Show

When you think about setting a boundary, what emotions come up? Maybe you feel anxious, guilty, or scared of upsetting someone. Here's the trick: feel those feelings but don't let them decide what you do. It's normal to feel a little uncomfortable when asserting your needs, but that doesn't mean you have to drop everything to accommodate someone else. The key is to acknowledge how you feel, but then drop anchor, and still take the action that's best for you.

2. Get Clear on What Matters Most to You

Setting boundaries becomes so much easier when you get clear on your values -- your heart's deepest desire of how you want to behave. Maybe you value independence, personal growth, or having quality time with the people you love. When you know your values, you're able to work toward acting in a way that creates a rich, meaningful life. It's not about rejecting or disappointing people; it's about protecting what matters most in your life.

3. Take Action that Aligns with Your Values

Boundaries aren't just about saying "no;" they're about actively choosing to live in alignment with your values. It's about taking action that supports your emotional and mental well-being. Consider this: what works in the short-term to avoid unpleasant thoughts or emotions often does not work in the long-term to give you the life you want. Setting boundaries may cause temporary distress but will allow you to take a step toward your ideal life.

4. Be Flexible and Kind to Yourself

Boundaries aren't about being rigid; they're about balance. Some days, you might need to set firm limits. Other times, you might choose to be more flexible. The important thing is that you're saying true to your needs and values. And, most importantly, be kind to yourself in the process. Progress, not perfection! It's okay if things don't always go perfectly. You're learning and growing, and that's what matters.

You're Worth It

Setting boundaries might not always feel comfortable but it's one of the most loving things you can do for yourself. By acknowledging your feelings, getting clear on your values, and taking action that aligns with what's most important to you, you can start to create space for a more balanced and fulfilling life.

Remember, setting boundaries isn't about pushing people; it's about creating the space you need to thrive. And when you do that, you're more able to show up as your best self for the people and things that truly matter to you.

So go ahead -- start setting those boundaries by putting your own needs first in one way or another today. You deserve to be as kind to yourself as you are to others. If you'd like help implementing these strategies and navigating any challenges along the way, I'd be happy to work with you. Whether you're dealing with a packed schedule in the heart of Chicago or simply trying to prioritize your well-being, schedule an appointment today, and together we'll create a plan that helps you set healthy boundaries.